In this Origin Story session, I speak with Adrian Pinon, a first generation college grad who took an unlikely path of self-promotion to his first job: Visiting tech company HQs around California with his message on a sign, garnering attention from ABC News, CBS News and other outlets. By doing this, Adrian proved himself to be a master marketer.
We talk through the journey Adrian took to land his first job out of university: Not knowing about college until late in life, overcoming naysayers, and learning how to market himself. Adrian even founded his own events app before graduation!
Words of wisdom: • A closed mouth does not get fed. • Talk to a person. Don’t let applicant tracking systems hold you back. • Attend that networking event. You could randomly meet a lifelong connection.
DISCLAIMER: This article represents my personal views and not those of my employer or any affiliated organizations.
Movember has signified a major shift in the way we think about masculinity.
Movember brought awareness to this seemingly monolithic idea of manhood, “Men are not infallible. They are in a grave mental and physical health crisis from millennia of being told to “suck it up”.
Those who identify as male lack a rite of passage. No matter how you identify, if you have male system, you’re subject to prostate cancer, testosterone, public perception, etc.
Sure, there was the archetypal warrior stories. There was the stereotypes of muscled, no-holds-barred, alcohol-fueled badasses in movies. But that is not masculinity. The toxic “red pill men’s movement” has not helped that. We live in a new world where gender roles are not central to success, and where physical strength is supplanted by knowledge work.
To add to that, breaking of social customs and the virus crisis have splintered young people farther and farther apart. A symptom of this is self-isolating behind a phone or computer screen.
We are not born knowing how to tackle life, we need mentors to help us navigate these nuances. As young men come of age, what new rites will signal the transition into adulthood?
Lack of Male Rites of Passage
There is a steady historical progression of roles where younger people were “taken under the wing” of an older person as a required part of an organization. This used to be the case with corporate culture as well. Many new professionals are expected to “learn the ropes” in college by themselves. This is a disservice to their career progression. A rite of passage assigns responsibilities, skills, challenges, puzzles, feelings of competence.
Even with all of the positive paths to becoming a complete man, there are many men in boys’ bodies. They simply never made the transition into full adulthood. This is obviously a conscious choice for some. Many see right through that ruse. For others, it’s less intentional – stunted by traumatic childhood events such as divorce, chronic abuse, or bullying.
What are the Issues?
Fewer men are graduating college as well. In 2018-2019, 74 men received Bachelors’ Degrees for every 100 women. Some would tout this as a positive measure, as it may show more female enrollment and graduation. At the same time, we must wonder why the enrollment or graduation rate has dropped for men. This article, “New Grads: How to Find a Job Post-Crisis“, contains valuable advice on that subject.
Men are generally not encouraged to pursue creative or empathic/caregiving professions. It’s not as if the leaders in those industries don’t WANT more men. The social stigma of men doing these things keep men themselves out of them: Fashion, crafts, interior design, teaching, nursing, and more. Women and men are not born with genetic dispositions against these things. These are learned behaviors reinforced by society.
In order to preserve this balance, we must forge a new paradigm that levels out sacred masculine and feminine energies. Each of us, whatever gender identity we have, contain both of these energies. It’s time that we embrace that.
Men’s Groups
Men’s groups are one of the most direct ways to engage on the subject of positive masculinity. Years ago, Jungian books like Iron John and King, Warrior, Magician, Lover hoped to create a new movement for men that incorporates feminist advances. I joined a group shortly before the pandemic broke out, and they’ve since gone virtual. It would be an in-person meet-up where we’d engage in meditation for 30 minutes. We’d spend the next 30 minutes passing a physical baton and talking about whatever life issues we were experiencing.
Many men’s groups offer this kind of healing experience, and provide a vent for emotions and lifes’ challenges. Membership ranges in age, from younger people in college, to older ones into middle age. This provides the opportunity for younger men to gain the advice of older ones, and for the older group to relate back to their youth. Being part of a group of men who are there to feel out your challenges with you, to relate back to your experience, is tremendous.
The Scouts
The Scouts were actually created in the early 1900’s to teach self-reliance and individualism. I was a Scout as well, exiting before graduating high school. More recently, the Scouts integrate girls and boys together, which could help sculpt their mindset into adulthood. The program not only gets kids out of the house and into nature, but it also incorporates some military tradition.
• One of these rituals was a military-style uniform inspection, where young Scouts had to display posture and immaculate dress to their Scout masters.
• A second ritual is performing community service. This could include highway cleanup, collecting food for food banks, shoveling snow, or raking leaves for senior citizens. A life of service is a crucial component of character.
• A final and most important ritual is survival skills. These skills are exercised during “field trips” or overnight camping trips. Scouts would be tasked with raising their own tents, starting their own fires, and sometimes foraging their own food. To achieve the highest rank of Eagle Scout (like my dad), new initiates must complete “the Ordeal”. This involves observing silence at the campsite, receiving minimal amounts of food, completing camp projects, and sleeping alone. This is the ultimate form of loyalty to their group and community.
I’ll never forget when he took me wilderness camping on Rock Island, off the tip of Wisconsin’s peninsula in Lake Michigan. We had to take a ferry to get there, and there was no running water or toilets to be found. The weekend was spent with only “Meal Ready to Eat” packets and a camp stove. We ended up walking 6 miles around the circumference of the island, which were a lot for my 7 year old legs.
Military
Both of my grandfathers were World War II veterans. In their day, that was not anything special. It was simply considered the norm. Almost all young men below noble class were expected to perform some sort of military service for millennia. Military service was a brutal yet compulsory part of becoming an adult.
The selective service or “the draft” was not truly questioned until the Vietnam War. Some countries, such as Israel, still enforce a compulsory 2 year military service for all citizens (including women) over the age of 18. This has shaped Israeli culture, leading to a national reputation for toughness and bluntness. The downside of this is more citizens with that trademark standoffishness and post-traumatic stress disorder. At the same time, Israel produces an above-average amount of entrepreneurs. Tel Aviv contains more startups per capita than any region in the world, other than Silicon Valley.
It is not just “military discipline” that creates this, or being able to take orders. Quite the opposite. The military process empowers strategic thinking and decision making. We can isolate the valuable concepts without being a military member. Through this military process, the participants are “forged in fire”, and come out the other end a “new person”. That’s the definition of any masculinity rite of passage.
Mentorship Programs
Big Brothers, Big Sisters is another oft-forgotten organization. There are many estranged young people who lack a meaningful role model. This does not mean that they don’t have a dad. However, perhaps their parents are constantly busy with work, or they don’t have the capacity to provide true role modelship. Taking on a “Big” can help a “Little” to gain wisdom from someone with experience. This is the natural form of the mentor-mentee relationship, and some day, that “Little” may become a “Big” mentor to a younger person as well!
There is an omnipresent “guy code” which follows men from birth. This cements a lot of toxic concepts in young mens’ minds. It is socially enforced by all genders. However, it’s especially wrought by other men, through shaming, hazing, and expulsion from social groups.
Another layer over this is the perception of masculinity popularized by certain feminist groups. It calls a blanket definition of men as one unified persona with the exact same social statuses/privileges, world view and flaws. Men represent approximately half the population, so they cannot be defined with such a broad brush.
Thusly, we must reshape the model of masculinity. This requires integrating the lessons of feminism, rooting out the toxic elements. However, it also requires retaining the healthy aspects of masculinity. Men stuck in boyhood must pass from the “realm of the mother” into the “realm of the father”, creating self-actualization and self-dependence, and freeing the women in their lives from having to carry extra responsibilities.
Creating Community
Young men (of whatever persuasion or gender identity) need a positive value system to build community. The hero archetype is the most biologically appropriate for this. So why not instill heroic values? The most familiar example may be the Code of Chivalry. Young men must be honorable, enterprising, responsible, original, intimate, and creative. Let’s not forget humble.
By becoming part of one of the organizations mentioned above, part of a community, boys will blossom into “good citizens”. Fitting into an intersectional world is crucial for today’s young men.
We need to foster female role models for young men from an early age. The clearest role model a boy has is their mother. In addition, there should be female role models in all stations of their life – as teachers, as mentors, and finally as leaders.
In the new century, it’s essential that we accept our biological differences, reconcile them, and see eachother as human, first and foremost.
DISCLAIMER: This article represents my personal views and not those of my employer or any affiliated organizations.
Katy Read of The Star Tribune suggests, “The next time you hear someone say they think poor people are lazy, hand them a copy of Maid. Stephanie Land can tell them otherwise and, unlike most authors who write about poverty, speaks from personal—and recent—experience.”
Poverty is more common than you think. Most of 53 Million Americans working in low-wage jobs are adults in their prime working years, or between about 25 to 54. Their median hourly wage is $10.22 per hour.
People may be silently struggling around you. You don’t need to be poor to drop below the poverty line. We cannot sort poor people off to the sidelines, they are among us.
Ask yourself – Are you a virtuous person? Do you donate to a charity, and then ignore the beggar on the street?
Coming of Age in Poverty
I spent much of my childhood hearing my parents reel in fear of not being able to pay bills, whether we’d lose our Medicaid, and how I and my brother would get to college. Many “services” specifically cater to the working poor, and many businesses prey on them.
The Dollar Store features prominently in “Maid”. It has become a place people don’t just stop by for odds and ends. Family Dollar, Dollar General, and Dollar Trees dominate underserved communities around the U.S. This used to be my mother’s favorite store. This also works to patch up any food they didn’t get from the food pantry / food bank. In the way that they saturate the market, dollar stores rank with payday loan lenders as predatory services that exploit the working class, and shut out competitive small businesses.
People who receive welfare, food stamps and Medicaid/Medicare are not “lazy”. Welfare offices are also a more common experience than you think. Like Alex’s assigned agent, social workers are at their wits edge from dealing with the sadness and anger of the working poor. They hear the same stories every day. Considering the meager resources they’re given to distribute, they don’t know how to help.
Social service candidates are asked to produce a bevy of documents to verify their needs. It becomes a catch 22 when, if you don’t have a job, you become ineligible for things like rental assistance. If you receive unemployment insurance, you lose it if you take a part time job. This is considered to be the same as full-time employment.EBT/Food stamps are not addressed in “Maid”, but work in a similar way. Considering much of the working poor work 2 jobs, this becomes extremely problematic.
The Working Poor / Low Wage Labor
Have you ordered food from a takeout app, taken a ride sharing service, or ordered a home cleaning service in the past month? You are a participant in the low wage economy. There’s no transparency into how these workers are paid.
The concept of “the working poor” is specific to America. The low wage labor system has been in place for centuries, but it continues to evade the grasp of social reforms. It even camouflages itself.Alex’s experience is also common (working her under full-time so they don’t have to pay full-time benefits, and making you pay for supplies and uniform). It’s popular to think that low wage workers are just “social dropouts” or “slackers” who deserve what they get. Movements which come about to change the system (such as the recent $15 minimum wage proposal) are shamed as socialism.
One of the biggest lessons of “Maid” is that poverty knows no gender, no color, no age. White poverty is the same poverty as people of color experience, but people of color experience additional layers, which is extremely exhausting. We also see with Regina’s character that Black people also struggle with racial disparities whether wealthy or not. Class struggle is a canvas painted broadly with the rich and the poor.
Reparenting / Dealing with a Mentally Ill Parent
I particularly empathized with Alex trying to provide medical/psychiatric care for a mentally ill parent. Right before the virus crisis started, I had to fly home to Wisconsin to care for my dad, who’d fallen down the stairs at his house. We were unsure if he was mentally competent to care for himself. Since my father has had bipolar disorder all his life, it was hard to tell.
We would’ve had to prove him incompetent in court to get him the care he needed. Without guardianship, the state will not provide care.It wouldn’t be the first time. We had deep concern my brother would spend the rest of his life caring for my father. Luckily, my father has been able to function and take care of himself, but we worry deeply about what we’ll do when he can’t.
We can’t begin to estimate the weight of a child having to “parent their parent”. The “lottery of birth” is stacked against those born to poor, mentally ill, or socially inept parents. This already sets them back several steps. When you add caregiving to that cycle, those kids begin to drop in academic performance substantially. Like mine did in high school.
Paying for College
You’ve likely heard many older people say “I worked my way through college”. That was probably in the era where college costs were actually affordable enough to do so. College costs have risen exponentially in the last few decades.
Instead, we have a crisis of many students trying to work and go to school, dropping out, and never being able to come back. Imagine what it must be like to manage a paid job, full-time college, and an unpaid internship together?
Pell Grants (a low-income government grant) and student loans are the only economic avenue to college for some, even with scholarships. I should know, I received one. Those students often take on loans only because of unrealistic degree requirements – Not just for Bachelors’ Degrees, but for elite, expensive schools.
We must open other avenues to professional careers – Apprenticeships, school-to-work programs, etc. The career system does not allow one to take a semester off, nor does it allow a delay going to college for several years after high school. Read more about how you can help these programs in my article, “Volunteer: It’s About More Than You Think“.
Being a Single Mother
Speaking of career struggles, the world merely tokenizes single mothers. There is so much talk of supporting motherhood in the workplace. However, once a woman has a child, she’s considered a workplace liability. Even in the high-flung white collar world, we see a lot of deliberate hiring and promotion of women under 30, in companies’ avoidance of paying our maternity and childcare leave. Extremely unrealistic expectations are placed on single mothers.
My mother was a childcare worker, a teacher, a nanny, and later an elder care worker. Divorce split our family and my parents’ incomes in half. As she inched closer to retirement, her options got fewer and fewer. She took on nanny work on the side from her daycare parents. Similar to Alex’s situation, this could have gotten her fired. It was not out of a desire to cash hoard, but out of desperation to meet her bills.
In elder care, she was assigned 72 hour shifts. She’d also be constantly on-call, with no extra gas mileage paid between home visits.She had to sleep overnight on the couch (whatever was available) and often caught sicknesses from her ailing patients. She was intentionally kept under 30 hours a week to not pay benefits (like Alex’s job). That’s the plight of the working poor. I still overhear public conversations of people complaining about their care workers (housekeepers, nannies, care providers) and it makes my blood boil.
What Can You Do to Create Change?
Netflix’s “Maid” is a stark reminder of the unseen inequities of the working poor. The general public is blind to it because the media doesn’t cover it. However, much of the middle and upper class also use the service economy and wring their hands of it. Instead of just thinking you’re “doing your part”, why not offer to hire someone with no experience so they can gain it? If you’re not a hiring manager, can you connect someone with a school-to-work program like YearUp? Can you connect a single parent (mother or father) with a Single Parent Scholarship program? Can you refer a mother in crisis to a Women’s Shelter?
You’re not alone. In the premiere episode of Origin Story, Jonathan Saquicili and I discuss what it’s like to grow up with low economic means and climb the ladder to a prosperous life from the bottom rungs. Jonathan built his way to a Product Management career from some jarring challenges.
We find commonality in both having gone to college on a Pell Grant. There’s recommendations for mitigating distractions, how to build resilience, even how to approach dire situations like homelessness and mental illness.
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